This Letter Will Save your Life
by HeadGirl91
Summary: Crackfic. Harry is extremely bored at the Dursleys. What can he do? Write for help of course!
1. Escaping the Dursleys

**HeadGirl91: I don't own any of these characters. I wish I did.**

**Harry: If you owned any of us, things would be very different.**

**HeadGirl91: Deffo. Sirius wouldn't die, for one. I LOVE SIRIUS!!**

**Harry: Okay. Calm down.**

**HeadGirl91: A/N: Spoilers for books 1-5, except Sirius isn't dead!**

**Harry: Whoo!**

* * *

Dear Ron

I am so totally, utterly, completely BORED OUT OF MY SKULL!!

Please, please, please, can you ask your mum if I can come over to the Burrow for the rest of the summer?? I'd really appreciate it and I'd be your slave for ever and ever.

Harry

XXX

Dear Harry

Sorry Harry. Mum decided she needed to check with Dumbledore first. I bet you can imagine how _that _went.

Ron

(p.s. Aw! I was looking forward to a slave!)

XXX

Sirius

You know how you're my favouritist Dogfather in the whole wide world…

Harry

XXX

Harry

What do you want?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

What makes you think I want anything?

I am mortally offended and hereby denounce your favouritist Dogfather status.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Oh. I guess I'll just go to bed then

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

NO!!

I'm sorry! I grovel at your feet and give you back your Dogfather status!

But seriously (hehe), I need a favour.

Harry

XXX

Harry

I thought you might. What's up?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

The muggles are driving me mad. Want to organise a prison break?

Harry

XXX

Harry

Ooh! I'm good at those! See you in an hour.

Sirius

XXX

Harry

Sorry to hear your escape to Grimmauld Place didn't go very well. Too bad it was McGonagall on Guard Duty. Hope you come up with something else soon

Ron

XXX

Luna

Heya! How are you?

Now the formalities are out of the way… I need your supreme expertise.

Is there some sort of magical creature that can help me escape my relatives? If there is, do you know where I can find one?

Harry

XXX

Harry

The Crumple Horned Snorkak has been known to carry off unsuspecting villagers. They usually leave their families memories of the person being carried off by a young woman called Flo. I think you can find some in North America.

Is that helpful?

Luna

XXX

Luna

Thanks. I appreciate the help, but I just can't get a Crumple Horned Snorkak shipped over here from America quick enough.

I'll plan in advance for next year, though!

Harry

XXX

Harry

Glad to help.

Luna

XXX

Ron

I have a plan.

It's dangerous, and it may not work, but it's my only hope.

If I don't come back alive, you can have the Marauder's Map.

Harry

XXX

Hermione

If I don't come out of my latest plan to escape the Dursley's alive, you can have all my books.

Harry

XXX

Luna

If I don't come back alive, you can have my Dad's invisibility cloak. Maybe it'll help you sneak up on all those magical creatures better.

Harry

XXX

Neville

If I don't make it back, you can have Hedwig.

Just make sure she doesn't eat Trevor.

(See Ron or Luna for details why I might not come back alive)

Harry

XXX

Ginny

If I die, you can have my Firebolt.

Treat her well!

Harry

XXX

Sirius

If my plan doesn't work, you can have my socks because I already gave all my other stuff away.

Harry

XXX

Dear Voldemort

You have no nose! You're ugly! Your Death Eaters are necrophiliacs!

Harry

(p.s. Btw, are you and Lucius Malfoy going out? Because if you are: Ew! He's totally old! (Not as old as you, though!). Draco's much better looking.)

XXX

Potter

_Portus!_

The Dark Lord

XXX

Harry

YOU DID WHAT?!

Hermione

XXX

Harry

Well done on engaging the Wrackspurt.

Luna

XXX

Harry

Good going. I would have done it a safer way, but yay!

Sirius

(p.s. Socks?? Do I mean so little to you?)

XXX

Hermione

I had tea.

Harry

XXX

Sirius

No! You're still my favouritist Dogfather!

Harry

XXX

Harry

YOU PROVOKED LORD VOLDEMORT INTO SENDING YOU A PORTKEY SO YOU COULD HAVE _TEA?!_

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

That wasn't my original intention! Honest! I thought that if Dumbledore could see that Privet Drive wasn't safe, he'd let me leave.

And it worked! I'm currently at the Burrow!

Ron hasn't stopped saying 'Bloody Hell' since I arrived. Sometimes it's '_Bloody_ Hell' and others it's 'Bloody _Hell_'

Remember I love you!!

Harry

(p.s. Are you going to kill me?)

XXX

Harry

I am not going to kill you. That would entirely defeat the purpose of you going to Voldemort's lair and coming back alive.

Maiming is a definite possibility, though.

Hermione

(p.s. Why tea?)

XXX

Hermione

Oh. Tom and I were talking about the good old days. We decided tea was a necessary requirement for such meetings. We even checked with Mrs Malfoy, to make sure. She assured us tea was appropriate.

Harry

XXX

Harry

_Tom and I? The good old days?_

I have slipped unknowingly into an alternate universe where Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort have tea and check their etiquette with the wife of a Death Eater.

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

You have?

Why wasn't I informed of this?

Harry

XXX


	2. Craziness is Catching

**HeadGirl91: I don't own anything! **

* * *

Dear Voldy

I know we said that we should forget about our meeting and go back to wanting to kill each other, but I can't be bothered at the moment.

Killing, or even planning to kill someone, is just so much hard work. You know? (Of course you do. You've been trying to kill me for years.)

_Any_ways, can we talk? Mrs Weasley keeps trying to get me to keep me busy, but honestly, how many times can you clean out a chicken coop? I told her that writing letters would keep me busy, so she's leaving me alone for now.

I have to keep a steady stream of owls to and from the window though, or she'll make me degnome the garden! Please write back soon!

Harry

XXX

Potter

Who would have thought the day would come when you'd be asking me for help?

Now, twice in one week, you have appealed to me for assistance.

This makes me feel all important.

Thank you

The Dark Lord

(p.s. Don't call me Voldy!)

XXX

Voldy

I'll call you what I like :P

And you're thanking me?

Have you lost your mind?

Harry

XXX

Potter

I had a bad childhood! :sniffs: The muggles are to blame for my craziness!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

You can't blame your craziness on a bad childhood, being raised by muggles! I had a bad childhood, raised by muggles, and I'm not crazy!

Harry

XXX

Potter

You're not crazy?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

No I'm not!!

Harry

XXX

Potter

:raises eyebrows:

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

I'm not!!

Harry

XXX

Potter

:raises eyebrows higher:

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Ok! So, I'm a little crazy!

Harry

XXX

Potter

Ha! I got you to admit it!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

You're good at intimidation

Harry

XXX

Potter

I know. :looks smug:

And I admitted I was crazy before you did! Does that make me the better person?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

No it does not!

There is no way you can be a better person than me! I'm good and you're evil! That's the way it works.

Harry

XXX

Potter

You know, I think talking to you makes me crazier.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Crazier isn't even a word!

Ha! I'm better at grammar than you!

Harry

XXX

Potter

Maybe St Mungo's can find us nice adjoining padded rooms.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

I hope there's pudding!

Harry

XXX


	3. Being Clever

**HeadGirl91: I don't own any of these characters**

**Harry: Except Healer Moon**

**HeadGirl91: Yes. I made her up**

* * *

Dear St Mungo's

I have knowledge of a person who, I believe, would greatly benefit from a stay in your psychiatric ward.

He fully admits his insanity and admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Harry Potter can be found at The Burrow, Ottery St Catchpole.

Tom Riddle

XXX

Dear St Mungo's

I have an acquaintance who admits insanity. I believe a stay in your psychiatric ward should fix him up right.

Tom Riddle can be found at Riddle Manor, Little Hangleton.

Harry Potter

XXX

Dear Mr Lupin

Mr Potter has spent the night in our psychiatric ward at the request of a friend and we have come to the conclusion that he is no threat to society and can be discharged.

Mr Potter needs to be picked up by a responsible adult and has named you as such.

Healer Moon

St Mungo's Psychiatric Department

XXX

Dear Mr Malfoy

A man by the name of Tom Riddle is currently residing in our psychiatric department. He has named you as his responsible adult.

Unfortunately, we believe that Mr Riddle is too mentally unstable to be discharged and will have to reside with us for the time being.

Healer Moon

St Mungo's Psychiatric Department

XXX

Lucius

Get me out of here.

NOW!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Harry

How on Earth did you end up at St Mungo's?

Are you okay?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

I thought I was being clever, but Voldy out-thought me.

Harry

XXX

Harry

_Voldy?_

You mean to tell me that _Voldemort_ is behind your incarceration in St Mungo's?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

Sort of

Harry

XXX

Harry

Read the _Prophet_ recently?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

'You-know-who escapes St Mungo's'?

I have

Harry

XXX

Harry

Mind telling me about it?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Yes

Harry

XXX

Harry

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

As in, yes I do mind.

No offence, but are you retarded?

Harry

XXX

Harry

The fact that I exhibit retard-like behaviour does not make me a retard.

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

:gasps disbelievingly: It doesn't?

Harry

XXX

HARRY JAMES POTTER!

YOU SENT _EACH OTHER _TO ST MUNGO'S?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

_May_be

Harry

XXX

Harry

Stop being vague

Hermione

XXX

Potter

It only took me two days to escape from St Mungo's! :laughs triumphantly:

How long did it take you?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

I didn't.

Harry

XXX

Potter

You didn't escape?

How did you get out?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

They let me out.

They said I was only mildly crazy and no threat to society.

They had Remus come pick me up

Harry

XXX

Potter

THEY LET YOU OUT?!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Indeed.

Wait... You had to _escape_?

Ha! You're crazier than me! (Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!)

Harry

XXX

Potter

May your (heaven forbid) future spawn be cursed with boils, baldness and squib status.

The Dark Lord

(p.s. I thought you said wasn't even a real word?)

XXX

Voldy

It is.

I looked it up

Harry

XXX

Potter

What did you do at St Mungo's, anyway?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

They made me look at inkblots and talk about my childhood.

I may be traumatised

Harry

XXX

Potter

Me too!

Maybe we should form a support group?

Maybe 'Support for the Traumatised Readers of Inkblot Papers'?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

:splutters and laughs uncontrollably: A STRIP club??

:chokes on laughter:

I think this may be how you kill me.

Harry

(p.s. What sane person would go to a group started by Lord Voldemort?)

XXX

Potter

That's the _point!_

People who come to the group are _traumatised inkblot victims!_

The people they make look at inkblots are mental patients!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

You have a point

Harry

XXX

Potter

Yay me

The Dark Lord

XXX


	4. Occlumency and Threats

**HeadGirl91: I don't own any of these characters**

**

* * *

**

Sirius

Hey, you know how you love prison breaks...?

Harry

XXX

Harry

No

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

I haven't even asked you yet!

Harry

XXX

Harry

Okay. Ask me

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Okay.

Will you break me out of Hogwarts?

Harry

XXX

Harry

No

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Aw!

Why?

Harry

XXX

Harry

Why do you want to break out of Hogwarts?

I thought you loved it there?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

No reason

Harry

XXX

Hermione

Harry refuses to tell me. Maybe you will.

Why does he want out of Hogwarts?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Because the Headmaster made Professor Snape agree to continue Harry's Occlumency lessons.

Harry threw a fit.

It was quite entertaining

Hermione

XXX

Albus

I hold the greatest respect for you, but are you _insane??_

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Funnily enough, that was almost the same as young Harry's reaction

Albus

XXX

Voldy

Hey!

You're good at kidnapping!

Aren't you?

Harry

XXX

Potter

I'd like to think so

The Dark Lord

(p.s. Why?)

XXX

Voldy

I'd like to be kidnapped please.

Harry

XXX

Potter

No!

I refuse to kidnap you!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

But _why?_

I thought you loved doing stuff like that?

Harry

XXX

Potter

I refuse to do anything that will benefit you.

I will not be used like that!

I have feelings you know!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Wow. Emotional outburst.

St Mungo's messed you up

Harry

XXX

Potter

After your latest letter, the Dark Lord locked himself in his room and now refuses to come out.

We would like to know what you did to our Lord to make him act this way

Bellatrix Lestrange

On behalf of the Death Eaters

XXX

Bella

I didn't do anything!

He had an emotional outburst in his last letter to me and I informed his that St Mungo's must have messed him up!

Harry

XXX

Potter

You'd better fix him, or I swear by Merlin, I will Crucio you 'til you turn orange.

Bellatrix

XXX

Bella

That can happen?

I will fix him, don't worry.

First though, I need someone to get me out of Hogwarts. I can't help him from _here._

Harry

XXX

Potter

Very well.

Someone will be there to collect you tonight. Be at the edge at the Forbidden Forest just before curfew.

Bellatrix

XXX

HARRY JAMES POTTER

WHERE IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU?!

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

Helping a friend

Harry

XXX

Harry

A friend?

Be more specific

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

I have a friend who isn't recovering well from his recent stay in St Mungo's. It messed him up and I am now attempting to fix his fragile mental state.

Harry

XXX

Harry

_...St Mungo's..._

_YOU'RE WITH VOLDEMORT?!_

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

I feel as if I am partly to blame. I sent him to St Mungo's to begin with.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Oh. So this has nothing to do with the fact that you were so desperate to miss your Occlumency lessons?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

...No?

Harry

XXX

Harry

:raises eyebrows:

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

That was only part of the reason

Harry

XXX

Harry

Oh?

What was the other reason?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

Bellatrix threatened to Crucio me 'til I turned orange if I didn't fix him.

And, as curious as I was to find out if I could turn orange, I had no desire to be Crucioed.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Fair enough

Hermione

(p.s. No matter whether Voldemort is better or not, you will be here for classes on Monday. Bellatrix is nothing compared to what Ginny and I will do to you.)

XXX

Hermione

:gulp:

Harry

XXX


	5. Blind Date

**HeadGirl91: :singing: **_**All I want for Christmas is the HP rights...**_

**Harry: :singing: **_**Not gonna happen.**_

_**XXX**_

* * *

Potter

You left me!

Why does everybody leave me?

I feel so unloved!

:sob:

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

As scared as I am of Bella and the rest of your motley crew, Hermione and Ginny scare me more.

Save me from girls with a grudge!

Harry

XXX

Potter

What did you do to them?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

…

Hermione's upset that I keep endangering my life unnecessarily, and Ginny's upset that I won't go out with her.

Harry

(p.s Why am I telling you this?)

XXX

Potter

'Cos I'm great.

The Dark Lord

(p.s Why won't you go out with the Weasley girl?)

XXX

Voldy

Duh. 'Cos I don't like her.

Harry

XXX

Potter

Would it be alright if I set you up on a date?

My therapist tells me that it would help my fragile mental state if I could prove that I can be useful.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Your therapist?

Harry

XXX

Potter

Narcissa

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Oh.

Harry

(p.s Sure, why not)

XXX

Potter

Yay!

Be in the Three Broomsticks next Saturday.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Dear Voldemort

Might I enquire as to why the saviour of the wizarding world is currently HIDING IN BED AND REFUSING TO COME OUT??!!

I know you had something to do with it. The only thing we could get out of him was 'Voldy is gonna _pay!_'

Hermione Granger

XXX

Granger

He is?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Thank you. You've made my day.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldemort

Tell. Me. _Now._

Hermione

XXX

Granger

... Okay.

I set him up on a blind date.

He must not have liked his date.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldemort

Who was it?

Hermione

XXX

Granger

...

Severus Snape

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldemort

YOU SET HARRY POTTER UP WITH _SNAPE?!_

ARE YOU COMPLETELY _INSANE?_

Hermione

XXX

Granger

:sobs:

The Dark Lord

XXX

Miss Granger

Could you please stop aggravating my patient?

You have just set back his recovery for years!

Narcissa Malfoy

XXX

Mrs Malfoy

Your patient?

Hermione Granger

XXX

Miss Granger

Yes. The Dark Lord is currently under my supervision.

Narcissa Malfoy

XXX

Mrs Malfoy

Your _patient_ set _Harry Potter _up on a date with _Severus Snape,_ and now Harry won't leave his bed, and won't speak except for death threats!

Hermione Granger

XXX

Miss Granger

I will talk to him.

Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

Narcissa Malfoy

XXX


	6. The Godfather

**HeadGirl91: I don't own anything you recognise from HP**

* * *

Harry

I just heard what happened. Are you alright?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Oh my God! Does _everyone_ know?!

Harry

(p.s I might die)

XXX

Harry

Calm down, Prongslet; not everyone knows.

Hermione told Ron, who told Fred and George, who told their mum, who told Remus, who told me.

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Oh my God!!!

Kill me!!!

Harry

XXX

Harry

Stop being so dramatic!

Sirius

XXX

Voldy

Please kill me

Soon

Harry

XXX

Potter

You're _asking _me to kill you?

Do you need a therapist, too? I can lend you Narcissa, she's quite good, you know.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

I do not need a therapist!

Harry

XXX

Black

Potter needs some serious help.

He just asked me to kill him, soon.

_Get him some help!_

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Thanks, but it's your fault he's like this in the first place!

What were you thinking, setting him up on a date with _Snape?!_

He may be scarred for life, and it's all your fault!

Sirius

XXX

My idiotic cousin

Stop winding the Dark Lord up!

I knew you were stupid, but are you suicidal?!

You make my job any harder than it already is, and I swear I will take your broomstick and shove it where the sun doesn't shine!

Narcissa

XXX

My very pretty cousin

Sorry Cissy.

You are very pretty and even though you married that Malfoy git and are all evil and chummy with the Dark Lord, you're still my second favourite cousin.

:puppy dog eyes:

Better?

Sirius

XXX

The suicidal idiot

Slightly better.

Wait... Second favourite?

:evil glare:

Narcissa

XXX

My favourite Cousin

:gulps:

Okay, you've been promoted to favourite.

Andromeda won't mind.

Sirius

(P.s Please don't tell her)

XXX

Harry

After a conversation with the Voldy and Narcissa, I have decided that you _do_ need a therapist!

So, please, tell me all your problems!

Sirius

(p.s, I like this. I might make it into a profession)

XXX

Sirius

A profession?

You're an escaped convict! You can't get a job as a therapist!

Harry

XXX

Harry

I can do an Owl Service, using an alias.

How about... 'The Godfather'?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

:disbelief:

Harry

(p.s You're not watching any more muggle movies)

XXX

Harry

Yeah?

Says who?

:Sticks tongue out:

Sirius

XXX

Remus

Please make sure Sirius does not watch any more Muggle movies... especially the mobster ones.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Sure

Remus

(p.s I won't even ask)

XXX

Harry

Aww!

I can't believe you did that!

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

:Smug:

Harry

(Btw, feel lot better now, thank you)

XXX

Harry

You are a seriously sadistic child.

Making _me_ miserable makes _you _feel better?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

...Yeah.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Maybe I'm not cut out for this therapy thing after all.

:sobs:

Sirius

(p.s Godfather resigns  )


	7. Ignorance is Not Bliss

**HeadGirl91: Got bored in school, so I wrote this chapter. I hope you enjoy it!**

**Harry: And remember, she doesn't own anything.**

**HeadGirl91: (sulkily) Thanks for reminding me.**

* * *

Potter

Heard your therapy didn't go too well.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Potter?

Talk to me.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Potter

Why are you ignoring me?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Potter?

XXX

Snape

Go find out why Potter is ignoring me.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Snape?

Why are _you _ignoring me?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Snape

Expect to be crucioed

The Dark Lord

XXX

Lucius

What's going on?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Lucius?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Narcissa

Help me!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Potter

Am I being ignored?

_Why am I being ignored!_

The Dark Lord

XXX

Sirius

Harry has been grinning evilly for the past week. I can't get it out of him why he is doing it.

Will you try?

Hermione

(P.S. I think it's pretty bad. Yesterday, I heard maniacal laughter.)

XXX

Hermione

I'll try

Sirius

XXX

Harry

Hermione says you've been grinning evilly for a week now.

Will you tell me what that's all about?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

...no?

Harry

XXX

Harry

Tell me what's going on, or I will take back your Christmas present.

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

:alarmed:

I called in a favour.

Harry

XXX

Harry

A favour?

From whom? Be more specific.

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Dobby

Harry

XXX

Harry

?

Dobby the house elf?

What did you have him do?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

I... kinda... erm... had him do to Voldy what he did to me.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Which time? When he broke your arm?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

No.

When he stopped my mail

Harry

XXX

Harry

...when he stopped...

You stopped Voldy's mail?!

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

...yes?

Harry

XXX

Harry

What are you hoping to gain from this?

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

I don't know... some sort of sick satisfaction?

Harry

XXX

Hermione

He had Dobby stop Voldy's mail.

Sirius

XXX

Harry

YOU STOPPED LORD VOLDEMORT'S MAIL?!

What are you _doing!?!?_

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

Sirius _told _you?!

Harry

XXX

Sirius

I no longer like you.

:sticks tongue out:

Harry

XXX

Harry

I'll survive

Sirius

XXX

Harry

Yes he did, and I'm glad he did, too.

Are you planning something?

Oh! I know! You're planning on making him so crazy, that he makes a mistake, and you can finally kill him!

That's ingenious!

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

…yes?

Harry

XXX

Harry

Don't you think it's gone on long enough, though?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

No.

Harry

XXX

Harry

:glare:

And _apologize._

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

O-_kay._

Harry

XXX

Voldy

Hello.

Hermione tells me I must apologize for stopping your mail.

I'm sorry.

There. Tell her I said so.

Harry

XXX

Potter

_You _stopped my mail?!

You vile cretin!

I hate you.

:sob:

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

That's okay. I don't mind.

…as long as you tell Hermione I apologized.

Harry


	8. A Little Homicidal

**HeadGirl91: This was originally planned for Chapter 7, but the other one managed to sneak past me! Oh well, here's Chapter 8. I hope you enjoy it!**

**Harry: She doesn't own anything!**

**HeadGirl91: Oh. That's right. I keep forgetting.**

**Harry: Unintentionally, I'm sure.**

**HeadGirl91: (innocently) ...sure.**

**

* * *

**Rita

You want a story?

Meet me in the Three Broomsticks at two o'clock on Saturday, if you're interested.

Harry Potter

XXX

Mr Potter

Oh. I'm interested.

Rita Skeeter

XXX

Potter

You are dead.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Funny. For a dead person, I sure do a lot of stuff.

Harry

XXX

Harry

You are a genius!

I hereby name you an official Marauder!

Sirius

XXX

Sirius

Why, thank you, my dear Dogfather.

Harry

XXX

Potter

You are sincerely the lowest form of human being.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Awww!

That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me!

Harry

XXX

Potter

You will write to that Skeeter woman and get her to retract that article. Right now!

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

That won't change anything, you know.

Harry

XXX

HARRY POTTER!

I KNOW YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?!

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

Erm... no?

And I have no idea what you're talking about.

Harry

XXX

Harry

Oh?

So the title of this morning's _Daily Prophet:_ '_YOU-KNOW-WHO: DERANGED INDIVIDUAL', _means nothing to you?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

Erm... no?

Harry

XXX

Harry

:death glare:

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

:gulps:

Okay. I might have had something to do with it.

Harry

XXX

Harry

I knew it!

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

I didn't mean anything by it! Honestly!

I just wanted people to see the same Voldy that I see!

People shouldn't be afraid of him!

Harry

XXX

Harry

_People SHOULD be afraid of him!_

He's a deranged killer!

You of all people should know that!

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

So he's a little homicidal. Who isn't?

Harry

XXX

Harry

Oh, trust me, _I am._

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

:gulp:

Harry


	9. Secret Meetings

**I am so sorry that it's been so long between updates. But I hope to get this finished within the next few chapters. I hope that appeases you all!**

**Love Leanne xxx**

* * *

Hero

Are we set for tonight?

Snake

(P.S. Why the codenames?)

XXX

Snake

Almost.

I just need to get rid of our DL Problem.

Hero

(P.S. What if our letters are intercepted?)

XXX

Hero

DL Problem?

What are you talking about?

Snake

XXX

Snake

Dark Lord Problem.

Honestly, I can't even _attempt_ to be cool around here, can I?

Hero

XXX

Voldy

How many toes do you have?

Harry

XXX

Potter

?

What are you on about?

The Dark Lord

(P.S. Leave me alone!)

XXX

Voldy

I did that before, remember? You didn't seem to like it so much _then._

Harry

XXX

Potter

:Scowl:

Please do not remind me of that.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Aww!

But if I didn't remind you of it, how would you remember?

Harry

XXX

Potter

I do believe that is rather the point.

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Aw! You're no fun!

:p

Harry

(P.S. Well?)

XXX

Potter

Well what?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

My question?

Harry

XXX

Potter

What question?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

I asked you how many toes you had.

Harry

XXX

Potter

And why would you need to know that?

The Dark Lord

XXX

Voldy

Well... Dumbledore and I were having a discussion and we were talking about your family. Apparently there was a _lot_ of inbreeding going off there.

Muggles have done research on the subject and inbreeding results in deformities quite a large percentage of the time. I've seen documentaries where there were people who had extra toes, no arms etc. Or there were just kids with mental problems.

I was wondering if it was the same in the wizarding world. It could account for your... well, _you._

Well?

Harry

XXX

Potter

:twitches from crucios:

I will get you for this Potter

Bellatrix

XXX

Bella

Oh goody.

Something to look forward to!

Harry

XXX

Snake

Mission accomplished.

RoR in ten minutes?

Hero

XXX

Hero

Definitely.

Snake

XXX

Hermione

Anything?

Ron

XXX

Ron

No. I can't find him anywhere.

Have you searched the Astronomy Tower yet?

Hermione

XXX

Hermione

No. Good idea.

Will you go down to Hagrid's?

Ron

XXX

Ron

Will do.

Hermione

XXX

Albus

Have you properly searched the dungeons?

He can't have gone far.

Minerva

XXX

Minerva

I assure you, I have properly searched the dungeons. And the next three floors, so far.

I cannot find him anywhere. I am starting to worry.

Albus

XXX

Harry

Where in Merlin's name are you?

Ron

XXX

Ron

Wouldn't you like to know...

Harry


	10. Personal Things

**This chapter is dedicated to Raven Sky Costello, my amazingly talented and effortlessly witty housemate and the first person I met in RL who writes fanfiction too! Thank you for giving me a push to get writing now that all my coursework is done! I love you lots and lots xxx**

* * *

Harry

You have been missing all weekend. What could you possibly be doing that causes you to be missing for a whole weekend?

I am so mad at you right now. I can't even begin to explain!

When you get back, I am going to hex you to oblivion!

Hermione

xxx

Hermione

Threatening hexes isn't really an incentive to hurry up and come back you know. You should try other methods. I respond very well to bribery. I suggest you try that next time.

Harry

xxx

Harry

Hermione is too mad to do anything else other than stare straight ahead. I'm very worried. Anyway, mate, you need to come back. Everyone's going mental. The teachers have scoured the castle all weekend. Did you McGonagall's accent gets heavier when she's _really _angry? I couldn't understand a word she was saying... which was probably a good thing...

Ron

xxx

Ron

Tell everyone not to worry. I'll be there for lessons tomorrow.

Harry

xxx

Harry

What's everyone been up to?

I'm so bored!

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

Has no one been telling you anything?

Harry

xxx

Harry

No! Why? What's been going on?

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

Ha! You're so out of the loop!

Harry

xxx

Harry

Am not!

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

Yes you are!

In fact, you're so out of the loop that Nestle got in touch and told me you're not even allowed to eat their cereal anymore because it's bad for their image!

Harry

xxx

Harry

That's ridiculous!

How do you come up with this stuff?

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

I hired a third year to follow me around and come up with funny quips because I'm too famous to do that sort of thing by myself anymore.

Harry

xxx

Harry

You did?

That's so cool!

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

I was joking!

Harry

(He's a fourth year... No third years are this funny...)

xxx

Harry

Okay, so what have I missed?

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

Not much.

I spent the weekend doing something personal and apparently the castle can't actually function when I'm not around...

Harry

xxx

Harry

Something personal?

Does Harry have a girlfriend?

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

No.

Harry

xxx

Harry

Awww... Come on Harry, you can tell me! I'm your friendly neighbourhood g... wait, that's not right.

I'm your favourite Dogfather! Tell me!

Is it a boyfriend then?

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

I swear, if you don't drop this right now, you will regret it!

Harry

xxx

Harry

It is!

Ha!

_Harry's got a boyfriend! Harry's got a boyfriend! Harry's got a boyfriend!_

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

You're dead to me.

Harry


	11. Distractions are Distracting

**Author's Note: **Sorry it's been so long! Real Life is crazy! Why do we even have those things? Thanks to Raven Sky Costello for inspiration, food, and the occasional bash around the head to get a move on! Love you loads!

* * *

Harry

Tell me who your boyfriend is!

Pleeeeaasee?

Sirius

xxx

Harry

Pretty please?

Sirius

xxx

Harry

Pretty, pretty please?

Sirius

xxx

Harry

Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?

Sirius

xxx

Harry

Pretty, pretty please with multiple cherries _and _hundreds and thousands?

Sirius

xxx

Harry

Is your silence your way of telling me that you don't like hundreds and thousands?

How is that even humanly possible?

Sirius

xxx

Hermione

I am very worried about Harry.

He is not answering my letters and he doesn't like hundreds and thousands!

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

Hundreds and thousands? What have they got to do with anything?

And by the way, you are taboo with Harry at the moment. The mere mention of your name and it's like suddenly you're talking to a brick wall.

Hermione

(P.S. Of course Harry likes hundreds and thousands. Who doesn't like hundreds and thousands?)

xxx

Harry

If you don't answer me, I shall send you a howler. That howler will then proceed to tell everyone in the hall that you have a boyfriend. Along with every single embarrassing thing that you ever did as a baby.

_I have baby pictures._

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

Sod off.

That enough answer for you?

Harry

(P.S. Baby pictures was below the belt)

xxx

Harry

Don't be like that!

I just want to know one teeny tiny thing! What difference will it make if I know who you're dating? I probably won't know him anyway!

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

I refuse to talk to you any more on the subject!

By the way, I'm pretty sure that our new Defence Professor is the creature from the Black Lagoon.

Harry

xxx

Harry

Why? And why are you telling me this?

Sirius

xxx

Sirius

It's the Black Lagoon. I figured the stories have to start somewhere, right? I thought maybe it was something to do with a property your family owned.

Harry

xxx

Harry

Interesting...

I will get back to you...

Sirius

xxx

Harry

Why is Sirius taking such an interest in his family history? Have you said something to him again? These things never end well. Remember last time? I still blame you for that.

Remus

xxx

Remus

I took Hermione's advice for once and distracted Sirius with a change the subject so that he would get off my back.

And I cannot see why you think that was _my_ fault! Sirius set _himself_ on fire!

Harry

xxx

Harry

You _gave_ him the lighter!

Remus

xxx

Remus

It was his own stupid fault! I mean, who uses a lighter in a room you've just had a farting competition in?

Harry

xxx

Harry

A pureblood who doesn't know what a lighter does!

Hence, the reason I blame you!

Remus

xxx

Remus

Hey Remus, I think the new Defence Professor may be a Vampire, but I can't remember how to properly recognise one. Which textbook do I need?

Harry

xxx

Harry

I'm sure I have it somewhere around here...

I'll get it sent to you when I find it...

Remus

xxx


End file.
